E3 FAIL

E3 has always been the super bowl of the video game world. The console manufacturers would battle for supremacy and show off what they have had up their respective sleeves the past year. This year I can clearly say that the commercials were better than the actual game.

When a company fails to deliver during E3 it is kind of depressing… actually it sucks a lot. We wait an entire year and expect some big announcements and are simply setting ourselves up for disappointment. This year had some harsh disappointment, but it also had some really great surprises. Here are the top five of each.

PART ONE : Disappointments / Embarrassments

5. R.E.M. D.L.C.

Wait, what did you say Microsoft after a long uncontrollably uncomfortable pause? Did you say we get to download three new R.E.M. songs before they actually come out on the new Guitar Hero? YAY. The most uncomfortable aspect was the fact that no one clapped when he announced it. It’s like if I were to tell you that at the bottom of this blog entry is going to be something really great, I just cannot wait to tell you what it is and then wait about ten seconds of awkwardness and then tell you the surprise is a picture of OJ Simpson in court. Sure some people, especially from the early 90s, would enjoy it, but overall… I guess what I’m trying to say is that THIS ISN’T 1993 ANYMORE PEOPLE!

4. You’re in the movies / Mii As Well

Take the Gameboy camera, combine it with a cry to be part of this new casual market and You are in the movies! If you saw it then you know what I am talking about, what a waist of time this thing looks like. HEY LOOK AT US WE HAVE TECHNOLOGY FROM FIVE YEARS AGO THAT WE ARE FINALLY ALLOWING YOU TO USE… um FINALLY.

And while the avatars are not the worst thing ever they certainly prove that copying is everything in this industry. I would not be surprised if the PS4 as well as the next Wii have achievement points.

3. Jack Tretton / PS2 Shitware

Dear Mr. Tretton,

You were so boring to watch. You were the equivalent to staring at a woman complaining about taking her kids skiing. Your discussion about how PS2 still has a bunch of great games coming out for it, namely EA Sports games and LEGO Ghostbusters or whatever block game is coming out next. It was stupid and pointless… oh and so is the PSP, just so you know. Next time you are next to a local EB Gamestop Mr. Tretton I suggest you look at how many games are coming out for the PSP as compared to anything else. Seriously, it feels like there are more games coming out for Nintendo64 then that damn handheld machine. Oh and one more thing, it was an automatic FAIL with no Wookies this year!

2. Gran Turismo TV

This is actually the moment I left to relieve myself because this announcement was so god awful boring. In today’s day and age of the internet and… brace yourself, the SPEED Network on cable, for some reason Sony felt it appropriate to make a channel of all cars and racing on the Sony Network. Was probably the most boring announcement on the show, that is unless you race cars, which if you do you are probably to busy having fun to not watch this shitty new idea.

1. Nintendo pooping on my chest.

Don’t get me wrong, Wii Sports Resort look wonderful, as does Animal Crossing: City Folk and… wait, that’s really all they talked about! Come on Nintendo, I love you, so what are you so afraid of? I know deep down E3 is made for your stockholders so they know what they are getting themselves into, but seriously, when Iwata sends out a formal apology to the hardcore gamer, then you are admitting defeat. Wii Motion Plus is awesome, but I don’t want to buy FOUR OF THEM. I already have to much shit in my house, let alone more peripheral. You guys should have saved this for Wii II: Cruise Control. I do sound disappointed but listen; I still love ya man, with all my heart. I really enjoyed those long nights together when my girlfriend was super jealous of you and when I chose not to socialize in fifth grade because Banjo—Kazooie was way to addicting. You seem to realize what went wrong and lets just assume hopefully it doesn’t happen again.

Tune in tomorrow where we talk about the wonderful surprises that were randomly placed throughout E3 like quality in a Will Ferrel movie! <--- That means that Will Ferrel movies are bad and normally have like one or two good things going for them which always have nothing to do with Mr. Ferrel.