De-Evolution

FAIL.

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WOWSERS PENNY! E3 08 Part Tooie

Wowsers Penny! This is what Inspector Gadget would say if he was still alive and reading about the extreme amount of backlash given to E3. Even this site, I pummeled E3 for being boring and giving us five extremely lackluster announcements. But now here for you all are what I consider the most interesting and surprising announcements at E3. Oh and if you think “Final Fantasy on 360” is going to be number one, then your obviously dumb and never read anything I wrote.

5. Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved 2

The first was so much fun and the sequel is introducing all new elements like coop and other things. I didn’t really look up that much about it yet, but I got all giddy like a kid who just got to the Neverland Ranch. Let’s hope this game stays good and doesn’t end up like leaving from the Neverland Ranch, which is when you rub your hiny.

4. Ratchet and Clank Future: Quest for Booty

Very cool. For some reason Naughty Dog was a no show at E3 this year, but Insomniac did showcase a new downloadable Ratchet game. This now brings Insomniac’s PS3 game total to 4 and Naughty Dog to 1. Weird.

You can't beat a platforming game set to a pirate theme. Hell, the greatest game of all time follows this format. There seems to be no negativity whatsoever. Oh and it also has the name booty in it. Haha booty!

3. Wii Sports: Resort

Looks good. I still don’t understand the decision to make a Waverace game, but then to ship it as part of a Wii Sports package, but whatever dude. This looks like fun, especially with Wii Motion Plus. The dog game did look stupid though. Personally I think this was a huge surprise. We didn't get the Punch Out or the Kid Ic... you know where I'm going with this. We were expecting a bunch of other games and instead Nintendo pulled this out of their hinies. Is that the plural form of hiny? The world may never have knowledge of this.

2. The Conduit

Yes, we already knew about this game. Yes, it’s a guy in a suit fighting aliens. Yes, EVERY GAME is a guy in a suit fighting aliens. But this is another FPS besides Metroid Prime 3 that will perfect the genre on the Wii. Was I excited before? Yes. Am I even more excited after I saw more of this game at E3? F**k yes. Are you tired of me wording every sentence in the same fashion? Yes? If Nintendo’s press conference was only The Conduit then it would have been a good show. What can I say, I’m a Nintendo fan starving for hardcore games on the Wii.

1. Banjo- -Kazooie on XBLA

What did you say? Why the f**k is this the number one announcement. Well the answer is very simple really. IT’S A NINTENDO64 GAME ON AN XBOX. See, very simple! Brushed by really quickly at Microsoft's Press Conference, this is definitely the biggest surprise of the year thus far! Not only that but all the Nintendo logos and product placement will remain, as will the long awaited Stop N’ Swap! As of right now they say Stop N’ Swap will be fully compatible with the upcoming Banjo- -Tooie, also for XBLA. This finally lets to rest what Rare fans have been waiting for since we found out that these new systems would be able to download older games, Banjo is 100% owned by Microsoft and we will never see any Rare owned products on the Wii’s Virtual Console. Oh and bonus knowledge, the reason why Goldeneye007 was never released was because of Nintendo’s relationship with Activision. Activision owns the rights to Bond and Nintendo said “If you allow for the XBLA release of Goldeneye007 then we will blacklist you on our systems… which means no Guitar Hero III on Wii”. Well as we all know GHIII on Wii is the best selling GHIII. Activision would have lost millions on the decision.

Tune in tomorrow for a picture I sent to www.failblog.com Let’s hope it makes it on the site.

E3 FAIL

E3 has always been the super bowl of the video game world. The console manufacturers would battle for supremacy and show off what they have had up their respective sleeves the past year. This year I can clearly say that the commercials were better than the actual game.

When a company fails to deliver during E3 it is kind of depressing… actually it sucks a lot. We wait an entire year and expect some big announcements and are simply setting ourselves up for disappointment. This year had some harsh disappointment, but it also had some really great surprises. Here are the top five of each.

PART ONE : Disappointments / Embarrassments

5. R.E.M. D.L.C.

Wait, what did you say Microsoft after a long uncontrollably uncomfortable pause? Did you say we get to download three new R.E.M. songs before they actually come out on the new Guitar Hero? YAY. The most uncomfortable aspect was the fact that no one clapped when he announced it. It’s like if I were to tell you that at the bottom of this blog entry is going to be something really great, I just cannot wait to tell you what it is and then wait about ten seconds of awkwardness and then tell you the surprise is a picture of OJ Simpson in court. Sure some people, especially from the early 90s, would enjoy it, but overall… I guess what I’m trying to say is that THIS ISN’T 1993 ANYMORE PEOPLE!

4. You’re in the movies / Mii As Well

Take the Gameboy camera, combine it with a cry to be part of this new casual market and You are in the movies! If you saw it then you know what I am talking about, what a waist of time this thing looks like. HEY LOOK AT US WE HAVE TECHNOLOGY FROM FIVE YEARS AGO THAT WE ARE FINALLY ALLOWING YOU TO USE… um FINALLY.

And while the avatars are not the worst thing ever they certainly prove that copying is everything in this industry. I would not be surprised if the PS4 as well as the next Wii have achievement points.

3. Jack Tretton / PS2 Shitware

Dear Mr. Tretton,

You were so boring to watch. You were the equivalent to staring at a woman complaining about taking her kids skiing. Your discussion about how PS2 still has a bunch of great games coming out for it, namely EA Sports games and LEGO Ghostbusters or whatever block game is coming out next. It was stupid and pointless… oh and so is the PSP, just so you know. Next time you are next to a local EB Gamestop Mr. Tretton I suggest you look at how many games are coming out for the PSP as compared to anything else. Seriously, it feels like there are more games coming out for Nintendo64 then that damn handheld machine. Oh and one more thing, it was an automatic FAIL with no Wookies this year!

2. Gran Turismo TV

This is actually the moment I left to relieve myself because this announcement was so god awful boring. In today’s day and age of the internet and… brace yourself, the SPEED Network on cable, for some reason Sony felt it appropriate to make a channel of all cars and racing on the Sony Network. Was probably the most boring announcement on the show, that is unless you race cars, which if you do you are probably to busy having fun to not watch this shitty new idea.

1. Nintendo pooping on my chest.

Don’t get me wrong, Wii Sports Resort look wonderful, as does Animal Crossing: City Folk and… wait, that’s really all they talked about! Come on Nintendo, I love you, so what are you so afraid of? I know deep down E3 is made for your stockholders so they know what they are getting themselves into, but seriously, when Iwata sends out a formal apology to the hardcore gamer, then you are admitting defeat. Wii Motion Plus is awesome, but I don’t want to buy FOUR OF THEM. I already have to much shit in my house, let alone more peripheral. You guys should have saved this for Wii II: Cruise Control. I do sound disappointed but listen; I still love ya man, with all my heart. I really enjoyed those long nights together when my girlfriend was super jealous of you and when I chose not to socialize in fifth grade because Banjo—Kazooie was way to addicting. You seem to realize what went wrong and lets just assume hopefully it doesn’t happen again.

Tune in tomorrow where we talk about the wonderful surprises that were randomly placed throughout E3 like quality in a Will Ferrel movie! <--- That means that Will Ferrel movies are bad and normally have like one or two good things going for them which always have nothing to do with Mr. Ferrel.

Back in the day...

Here ye here ye, here are thee sales from this weeks Best Buy circular. Check out the price of the one gig hard drive or the Mad About You soundtrack available on cassette! Rejoice in the 35 mm cameras and the 30 message pager!


And we complain about 60 dollar PS360 games. Ha!